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March 3, 2010 (12:15pm) RAY (New Orleans, LA & St. Louis, MO)
I woke up this morning and found I had received this email from an old friend. All it said was, "holy sh#t. I didn't know he killed himself" and then it contained a link to Danny's (as I knew him) web site that, I think, you made for him in memorandum. I didn't know this until today and so it's hit me as though it just occurred. I lost another good friend the same way at the same time but I knew about that when it had happened. I wish I had known then that I had lost two.
I don't know if you would have ever heard of me but I knew Danny through some of his rougher moments. I'm the guy who he drove to New Orleans with the night before he began what would probably be his most difficult life stage. Danny and I had both been through a relationship with the same person, him after me, and so we had that in common.
They were abusive relationships in very similar fashions and so when Danny was coming out of it he and I became friends. I helped him to come out of that and I did everything I could to help him see clearly in that time because I knew from experience how hard that was and I knew exactly what he had gone through with that person.
When I decided to leave for New Orleans late on a Sunday night, Danny insisted he go with me. I often wish I had refused but at the time I wanted to take him far away from our ex, who was on a rampage. I won't go into (...) details but Danny was vulnerable and I should not have allowed certain things to take place. I was easily swayed by his cleverness and his looks. I think he was only really wanting validation that he deserved love. He did.
He was so young then and so wounded. He had come from one of the worst childhoods I had ever heard of. He shared it with me and I could not believe it. He had a lot of pain and a lot of anger then. I had also had a terrible childhood but hearing his made me stop complaining. Mine was nothing compared to his.
When we arrived in New Orleans, he started acting crazy. I didn't know him as well as I should have, perhaps. I didn't expect these things. He started disappearing for days and when he came back home he would tell how he had been sleeping with homeless people in train cars. We would tell him he was nuts for doing this when he had a place to go at night but he did it anyway. We fought a lot. He was violent sometimes, too. He hadn't really started the drugs yet, that I am aware of, but he had started engaging in some very worrysome behaviors and I knew him when he contracted HIV.
We had a particularly horrible night and me and our other roommates told him he had to leave. He had broken some windows and had tried to punch me. I was a lot taller than him and was able to hold him at arms length and he could never reach me to make real contact. I knew it wasn't really his fault. I knew he had issues and I suspect he had Bipolar Disorder (as do I) and I don't know if he ever did get treated. But he couldn't stay there and destroy the apartment and possibly injure people.
He left on foot for Texas to see a friend of ours and came back shortly to stay across the courtyard from us with a girl who was his friend. She took up for him a lot but when they lived together she experienced his volitile nature and also asked him to leave.
That's when we lost contact.
The next time I saw him was several months later and he had started his working with a magazine (not exp) and travelling and I was happy to see him calming down. He still exuded a frightening energy at the time but he was getting better. I remember playing a CD for him I thought he would like and he tried to take it. Not steal it but he just asked if he could have it. I said no.
Those were rough times. It was in 2001 and maybe into 2002. I stayed in New Orleans long after he disappeared and I heard little stories of him now and then.
When I came back to STL, I saw the ex again and he knew a little about Danny's whereabouts but not too much. He faded from my forethoughts but stayed always in my mind.
People always ask me if I hear from him and I didn't so I never had anything to offer them. Then today I receive this news, two and a half years later.
I'm having a very quiet, somber day.
I don't know why I am writing. Perhaps because you and I knew very different people in Danny. When I went to his site and read his work, I did not know this person. He wasn't really doing this stuff yet. He didn't make art. I think he kept a journal but not this. I see this writing and it's such a mature person, unlike the angry kid I knew. It makes me feel so sad.
Back then Danny had no idea who he was or what he wanted. Every time he would make a new friend he would start talking like them and he always wanted to be like them. He was very absorbant of people he felt, I imagine, had the key to the happiness he so wanted.
Now I see he had actually started to find himself and so it's all the more sorrowing that, along with himself, he didn't find the happiness he had hoped for.
You're right that he changed the lives of everyone he knew. He sure changed mine. If he and I had never met, I would never have gone to New Orleans. I would never have found MYSELF in my own journey and I would never have "arrived".
I loved Danny. I hated that he was so lost. I hated that his confusion had to result in still more agony in his life. He was dealt an extremely rough hand in life and, considering his starting point, he went so much further than most people do and it was in a much shorter period.
Today I keep thinking, "why would he do a thing like this?" as I am sure everyone else does.
I'm sorry to hear this. He has never left my thoughts. The night he left for Texas we went out and got so drunk and I cried like a baby. I was actually a little mad at him when he returned a week later because I wouldn't have cried like that if I had known I was going to see him again so soon. ha ha!!!
I had a lot of pictures of him from NOLA but I lost my album.
Thanks for reading and also thanks for keeping him alive.
I just felt like I had to write this.
-- From RAY
(contact editor@danielmccree.org for RAY's contact info)
February 28, 2010 (Colby)
"Will you defeat the demons and all the nonbeleivers, the plans they have made?"
--An open letter to Chad Holden, from Colby
THE LAST BURNT BRANCH , RE: that which could not be destroyed
or consumed by fire, has indeed fallen from the tree.
Was it the Devil-- Or Larry Tyree?
The fact shall always remain-- I did right by you~
Can you claim the same?
I know In my heart, I will never see you again,
but I figured larry would be why-- who would have guessed
that you would stab me in the back, making all that was between us
stink of lie and deception.
I really beleived we would always be friends,
I am still in shock you would EVER do what you did-- even TAZ didnt do that!
Im completely ashamed of you! Larry may be an asshole, but you are who destroyed
our friendship. Changing the locks while I moved out, was not only insulting to all that I have done
but downright dirty & evil. You alone must live with that.
Understand my hurt comes not from moving out-- its how you treated me.
SHAME ON YOU, and again I tell you Im ashamed of you.
You cannot justify it, or run away from it. You can simply hope it was worth
loosing my friendship for.
Your friendship was all I had left, now I feel I dont know you
at all-- certainly not the Chad Holden I knew anyway.
Best wishes for your future. Hope you find someone even 1/2 as loyal as me to spend it with.
With all the love of what has been,
Colby Kluthe
**Chad Holden & Colby Kluthe were a couple from Feb 28th 2002, until the day the music died.
July 23rd, 2007 (larry is invited into our home)
Feb 28th, 2010-- That which was, is no more.
I may not know you-- but I will forever Love you. Simply-- ever so simply
because it IS who I am.
A true Bee, with wings and balls.
November 27, 2009 (Colby) 6:12pm
Daniel I wanted to stop by today and write you here, It was a unique Thanksgiving yesterday I must say. For about a week now, have been chatting with someone, i know you must have sent my way.
At any rate we finally met yesterday, hmm thanks giving. Anyway, he reminds me a lot of myself in late 2006... and how I felt about things. Anyway, I miss you terribly even today. And know that not a single hour passes without my thinking about you. I feel your spirit coming and going, and know exactly when your "stopppin in" to visit. you are so obvious~ :)
Love you Daniel, and miss you always~
Colby
November 21, 2008 (Colby) 3:11AM CST 
www.DanielMcCree.Org Daniel McCree was born on November 21, 1979 in Chester, IL.
The Developers of DanielMcCree.Org wish to take a moment to remember our dear friend as he would have turned 30 years old today. Warm thoughts go out to the family and friends and supporters of the Daniel McCree Foundation.
With your support, we have been able to continue the work the Daniel held so dear to his heart.
We invite each of you to visit for a moment today, and share in the spirit of our dearest friend today.
Sincerely,
Sept 9, 2009
Well Daniel, Im kinda in a state of SHOCK, given current developments, I guess I always knew the day would come when Chad and I would go our separate ways, but it seems so hard to believe even now, that we will no longer even live together. I think I must admit to myself the possibility that I may rarely if ever see him anymore. Since over the past year, larry has managed to separate all the points of contact. Sadly, I don’t have his phone number even! But when he asked me to move out, I knew that if that was in the cards the correct opportunity would be there, and while it seems to be a complete “throwback” I seem to be moving towards staying with Chuck. OH How things come full-circle~ As you know, we lived together almost exactly 10 years ago. (across from Coffee Cartel in those days)
Well some apprehension about the whole situation, but I know God never carries you to something he wont also carry you Through~ Or so I have learned. I love you D, and miss you terribly. I want you to know that I do not think you have any blame for how things have turned out, for the actors involved in the play were not always upfront with the auditions. HUH? J Much Love to you
D;’s Cheeze
July 23, 2009 11:21pm (COLBY)
Dearest Daniel~
I dont write here as often as I used to, but you know we converse on a daily basis in some fashion.
Still amazed by the whirlwind of season it was we spent together, I recall even in those days thinking it was like a movie, in which we played a leading role. Boy how you have directed my life over the past two years, it astounds me just how many obvious reflections in my life are to you. The trains that pass by my office window, and I recall that you sometimes would get stuck at this station, waiting for the bus to take you the rest of the way home late at nite. At any rate, Daniel, I wanted to take a moment to put into to black and white words, again how blessed I am to have you in my life. Recently spoke with Lukas, and am looking forward to maybe a lunch together soon. I know you are holding a place for us both. We sure had some blessings at metro east pride (Belleville pride) this past year, and you know how you were there with us every minute. I was glad to present Doug Price with a reproduction of your work, and I know it was very special for him.
So this next year, they have appointed me as an officer for the 2010 event~ I know your proud of all that I have tried to do in your honor. It could never equate to all you have done, and contune to do to shape my existence here on earth. I was glad to see some new plants sprouting from your vine also.
I miss you Daniel, and can still not fully digest the tragedy that your not here to talk to on the phone, but again, I feel completely blessed you left so much for us to remember you by. I cant wait to see the movie "What Dreams May Come", as I only recently discovered (or re-discovered) this was your favorite film. You always find ways to bring me back to 2007, to feel that love I hold deep inside me for all you are, and everyone on your vine.
I think it was in talking with Lucas, just how much I love you, because of the love I feel for anyone who knew you well, especially those like Lucas, that truly love you as I do. I have been blessed to have had this website to help me cope with not having you around all the time, and was truly amazed when we discovered the portfolio in storage, full of artowrk to share. There goes the SWIC train (missing you again).... I always understand why you went away, but id never changes my desire to simply smell your hair again, or hear you say something like "Lets paint the cieling red" ! LOL
I work everyday to appreciate how my life has really taken on a new direction since you "got me outta joes apartment"--- I continue to live with Chad and Larry, even though we rarely talk even. I wish they were able to be more active with your causes, but I guess each in thier own time. I somehow guess you whispered in the boardroom, at MCCGSL, when they chose the colors for the sanctuary-- I had to laugh out loud--- BABY BLUE--- really! and brown? HUH--- looks familiar, like your favorite colors!
(and the color scheme you directed for DanielMcCree.Org --- I know you must have had your hand in that, 'cause I think they had planned for a black ceiling until the last minute.
I miss you Daniel, and I am honored over and over again, beyond comprehension, just how fortunate I am to have you as my best friend. You will always be with me, until the day you and God call for me to join you. I know you are at peace-- somewhere out there, and here all at the same time. Just as I beleived then, Nothing can seperate us from that love. By now you most certainly know where we all are. With all the love God has for us-- I have come to realize that I came to know God by the love we share. I am honored to have the opportunity to know you, and listen for your voice of reason at every turn.
LOVE ALWAYS~
Colby
May 21, 2009 10:18PM (Colby)
Daniel I always try to listen for you as you taught me, and amazingly you keep dropping jewels on me.
I have felt you so very closeby the past few weeks, and know that you must be fond of all that you see happening, or mostly I suppose. So I want to recognize that I heard you last week, tell me to place "Raining in Baltimore" on your playlist. And was not surprised to feel how connects with those on your vine. And while Im on the vine, Im sorry that poor thing seems to be completely gone~ But perhaps some Basil can take its place. I also heard you tell me to find this song, and although I love Counting Crows, I have not heard this prior to this moment.... And I can recognize the miracle in the words, which shant be taken for granted. MIAMI Huh... I had no idea~ But the words could have easily spilled from your lips...
Counting Crows -- Miami Lyrics
I guess I think I feel alright
You come circling through the light
The skyline is bright tonight
What more perfect rendezvous?
The sundown paints the shadows through
The daylight, Amy, on what we do
It looks like darkness to me
Drifting down into Miami
Can I say ,
"I wish that this weather would never leave"?
It just gets hard to believe
That god sent this angel to watch over me
Cause my angel
She don't receive my calls
Says I'm to dumb to ...
To dumb to fight
To dumb to save
Well, maybe I don't need no angel at all
It looks like darkness to me
Drifting down into Miami
She could pull the sunlight through me
Coming down into Miami
Make a circle in the sand
Make a halo with your hands
I'll make a place for you to land
The bus is running
It's time to leave
The summer's gone
And so are we
So come on baby,
Let's go shut it down in New Orleans.
Love You all ways, always
Colby
Daniel, talent and soul
December 19, 2008 3:35PM ( Megan Kenyon)
Dear loved ones of Daniel,
Accept my humble appreciation of his soul and talent as one who didn't know him. I an appreciative of the art, and grieve as a fellow artist.
Sincerely,
Megan Kenyon
Megan Kenyon, Fine Artist
328 Bee Street ~ Studio J
Sausalito, CA 94965
415-332-1521
November 3, 2008 2:55AM (Colby)
I was listening to an obscure gay radio station from Melbourne, when I first heard this song, It stopped me in my tracks, and it seems about an hour later... the video was done. It left little doubt in my mind this song was very much you, and I also heard your direction to include the people I have excluded thus far. I dont know who many of them are, but you do, And I know they were in your heart. Yes I have gotten feedback, mostly... why arent I in it... And I have to tell, them I didnt really have that much to do with it...:) I love you Daniel, I havent really written alot here about more recent developments, but I know that you and God are working up some miracles in my life. I thank you for them, and want to tell you again,... you were right, we will still be friends.
Here are the lyrics to the Song, from the Killers. "Human". Somehow I know they belong here.
Human Lyrics
I did my best to notice
When the call came down the line
Up to the platform of surrender
I was brought but I was kind
And sometimes I get nervous
When I see an open door
Close your eyes
Clear your heart...
Cut the cord
Are we human?
Or are we dancer?
My sign is vital
My hands are cold
And I'm on my knees
Looking for the answer
Are we human?
Or are we dancer?
Pay my respects to grace and virtue
Send my condolences to good
Give my regards to soul and romance,
They always did the best they could
And so long to devotion
You taught me everything I know
Wave goodbye
Wish me well..
You've got to let me go
Are we human?
Or are we dancer?
My sign is vital
My hands are cold
And I'm on my knees
Looking for the answers
Are we human?
Or are we dancer?
Will your system be alright
When you dream of home tonight?
There is no message we're receiving
Let me know is your heart still beating
Are we human?
Or are we dancer?
My sign is vital
My hands are cold
And I'm on my knees
Looking for the answers
You got to let me know
Are we human?
Or are we dancer?
My sign is vital
My hands are cold
And I'm on my knees
Looking for the answers
Are we human
Or are we dancer?
Are we human?
Or are we dancer?
Are we human
Or are we dancer?
August 24, 2008 (Roxanne Postawko- (Buck's Loving MoM)
Dearest Colby, {Friends & Family of Daniel McCree} --
This is just a short note to let you know how very much I appreciated seeing my son, Buck's, name and website added to Daniel's.
It's almost unimaginable that my baby has been gone from here for almost a year. In ways it's seems like forever, and others make it seem like only yesterday.
As you stated, and I am sure as well, I feel certain Buck and Daniel have met in spirit and have become fast friends! Buck was also very talented in the arts: music, drawing and writing. It seems to me they are making Heaven even more beautiful with their talents.
God bless you and your work here. And God bless our "boys" so they may continue to bless people with the messages of their lives.
Always,
Roxanne (Buck's Loving MoM)
http://www.forever-studios.com/lifestories/lifestory.cfm?Archive_ID=23188&Directory=%2FArchives%2FOakHill
July 28, 2008 6:41PM (Colby)
I will be very brief, but I must say just how wonderful Daniel's family is.
As a part of the LGBT community, we often hear stories about what happens after such a tragedy, in that the surviving family can sometimes make a difficult situation nearly impossible for those "other" loved-ones left behind. I must give my sincerest adoration to each and every member of Daniel's family for being the wonderful people you ALL are.
It should not come as any suprise, having a kid like Daniel, but I must say that it has been very meaningful to have come to know some of you over the past year. You are an AMAZING FAMILY, and you blessed this world raising a guy like Daniel. There can never be another like him- a diamond in the ruff or (rough) as D would put it:)
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July 27, 2008 11:23AM (Kayla) **Daniel's MoM
I am Daniel's mother. It has taken me a while to sit down a write anything.
This has been very hard to get through this Summer. I keep thinking of all the things I wished he was here for.
But, Tori, your words meant so much to me. They are so real and understandable.
You say what I think a lof of the time. Tori is my neice. She has a very good heart.
All of the family gets on this web site and visits now and then. I thank all the guys for putting this on and keeping it going. I hope I am able to visit it more often. Somedays it is very difficult to even think about looking on this. But, I hope to see the guys soon and visit with them. thank you, Kayla
July 25, 2008 6:44AM (Jalin)
words for Daniel and his family
Hours ago, i was searching Craigslist for a place to live, or work, or travel (anything really). Somehow, i came across this site and have been spending the last half of the night soaking up Daniel's story and life like a sponge that had nearly dried up completely, and now is drenched with tears of hope of turning my own life into something a bit more colorful before i too am gone from this place. It's crazy when you read writing that reflects the approach so clearly.
I have often wondered if we have a sense about when we will transit this place. It seems we might. Or, atleast some of us. Daniel was afflicted with similar questions that have been stirring in my reality for the past two years (since the loss of a good friend of my own).
It's like being caught in the middle of a tug-o-war (the rope perhaps--holding everyone-everyone holding on--or letting go--pulling and tugging in different directions--fraying and unraveling--weakening with a duty to be the tool for the game). a fear of living in pain, yet even more loss at what the end will bring and means.
I'm writing to you, because i sensed i knew him--on another plane. And if not--well, i do a bit more now from reading what he wrote and seeing his work--he is doing it still to this day! He didn't just bring up tears for me--but sobs i'm sure you can relate to. And, although his physicality has progressed beyond this place--his soul is touching souls and it is really never too late!
*Daniel, i think we would have been friends. I will think of you as one from now on. Because your words have hit the core of me and my own struggle to go on. It's hard to love so much, and know you're never perfect. Sins we all have made, and you left to fulfill your purpose. You stepped out into the sea...to swim a million laps. I'm proud of who you were and the TRUTH that you ARE. A swimmer in the sea. A bright shooting star!* It only took a couple hours, and he woke this one soul up again! I can only imagine the others he has and will continue to awaken to their own personal journey's!
Thank you for putting this together! It gives me hope that there are people out there who can still feel and care enough to integrate their lives into that of another's--or another's into theirs. Healing isn't easy, but our choices within it can be--and will reflect for eternity! so much light and healing and laughter i am wishing for all who are touched by Daniel!
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Jul 25 2008 8:21 AM (VAL)
Hey Danny, just wanted to let you know I'm thinking about you. I know you're living in a beautiful place now, and some day we'll climb trees and build forts together. I think we're about 20 years over due on that! Say "hi" to Carrie.
Love ya!
July 24, 2008 2:45pm (cedeptula)
Hi - I never met Daniel and just came across this site from the Craigslist post, but I've looked through it and he seems to have been a kind soul who touched many lives through creativity and love. I send love and support to his friends and family.
July 23 2008 11:34PM (Tori McCree)
I've already signed this. I just want to get some more things off of my chest. I would like to say some things but I want to say them as if I'm face to face with Daniel again. Danny, I know what you did is something that we cannot take back. I just want you to that I will never forget you. You will always be in my heart. I want you to know that. You have written some amazing words. Words that are written in my heart and words that can never be erased. Army of Injuries. I'm in love with that. That just speaks to me. Daniel you speak to me. You have inspired me to do what I have come across. Writing. You have opened that door for me. And it still hasn't closed. I know now what I want to do with my life. And you made that impact. You have made me realize that life is to short, dont think about what everybody else thinks. Be who you are, be you. I thank you for that. I just need you to know that I miss you, alot. The whole family does. Daniel, we love you. We always will. No matter what.
July 23, 2008 11:21AM (Colby)
I know I still send ya emails Daniel, as we always did, but I also wanted to say a little something here about today. If there is one thing I have learned over the past year, is the importance of looking for the miracles in life. And furthermore- the more often you seek such things, the more abundant they become. On this day which I expected would be a struggle for me to trudge through, I find this odd sense of "calm"- And Im in somewhat of a Joyful spirit. Perhaps it is the fond thoughts I have surrounding our time we shared together, rather than focusing on the fact you are not physically present today. You remain so much a part of my daily life even today, that I venture to say that at any given moment, there is some token or symbol of you within a foot or three of me. (ie. your palm sprigg from palm sunday sits in the visor of the car. Well I have to remember this isnt email, and I cant just rant on forever... well I could but I will save that for later... MISS YOU MUCH!
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July 15, 4:41 AM (Colby)
Fish & Bird - Tom Waits
They bought a round for the sailor
And they heard his tale
Of a world that was so far away
And a song that we'd never heard
A song of a little bird
That fell in love with a whale
He said, 'You cannot live in the ocean'
And she said to him
'You never can live in the sky'
But the ocean is filled with tears
And the sea turns into a mirror
There's a whale in the moon when it's clear
And a bird on the tide
Please don't cry
Let me dry your eyes
So tell me that you will wait for me
Hold me in your arms
I promise we never will part
I'll never sail back to the time
But I'll always pretend you're mine
Though I know that we both must part
You can live in my heart
Please don't cry
Let me dry your eyes
And tell me that you will wait for me
Hold me in your arms
I promise we never will part
I'll never sail back to the time
But I'll always pretend that you're mine
I know that we both must part
You can live in my heart
July 2, 2008 2:48 AM (d's Cheese)
"Welcome to the Black Parade"
It has been a walk down memory lane the past few days D... some of them way back... and yet a new "rmembrance" of all that life on this earth can entail.. It has been a moment since I wrote anything on here, but I wanted to take a moment, because I remember this July evening that you stopped by last year. As I have written, somehow I knew that nite as you discussed your trip to Florida, that it was on wings of faith that I must let you go. And proudly over the vine, gave you the hug, I feared would be the last. It remains in that same Faith, I sit here tonight, feeling your presence all around us. You know that I miss you, and truly carry on in the faith, we know so well.
Love as All-ways, that cannot be seperated. C 
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May 13, 2008 2:43 PM (Colby)
Thank you!
I wanted to take a moment to thank the many friends of Daniel, that have contributed to the development and content of this site.
I think among the most amazing attributes, is how this site truly reflects the spirit of Daniel McCree, and really how much Daniel of several years ago, remains the same spirit today.
I must tell you JOE, that while Im sorry you found out about Daniel's passing through this website, I know that you always carry Daniel with you- and through your contributions, his life touches each of us, all the more. The song you mentioned Daniel listened to over and over again, I have added to one page only- Pomagranite Apple. It seemed like the right place, and the right song.
My last declaration, is simply that Daniel often referred to life as the "vine" which I can clearly tell that both the physical vine he gave me and the spiritual vine, both continue to flourish in this Spring 2008. Peace and Love to each of the visitors of DanielMcCree.Org, and know that we are all of the same vine.
Shalom & Agape,
ala
C
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